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Emotional Compulsions – Part 1 – Need for Appreciation


Wishing you a Conscious and Joyful 2019.
Here is my first sharing of the year 2019 along with my best wishes for you. I am going to be writing my reflections and sharing these with you on matters related to various emotions, their possible causes and their possible consequences. Wherever possible we will discuss their structures as well. Sometimes these may appear to be written in a slightly complex manner. You will need to read these carefully, maybe even 2 or 3 times to understand my true intent. Don’t forget to share your thoughts, questions and clarifications for anything. I will keep posting every Monday, except those Mondays when I can not. 🙂
I once read somewhere that “Humans have an intrinsic need to be appreciated”. It had set me thinking. My initial thoughts are never about Humanity as a whole, they are usually about my own life. So I asked myself…  Do I have a need for appreciation? The only question that got triggered is on the NEED part because It sounded like a compulsiveness. For someone to fulfil a need that is compulsive, they are willing to go to any length. Since it is a compulsion, our emotions get triggered in a reflexive manner. Our decisions get hijacked compulsively as if unconsciously. To understand it all, I started looking at myself inwardly and around me. I was amazed to find that it existed in me, in varying magnitudes, hence finding it within wasn’t as easy, but I did find it and finally decided to evolve. These magnitudes changed with different people and situations. With some,, it did not exist, while with some it varied.
Since my early childhood, if someone appreciated me, I felt embarrassed. I thought about the appreciation that came my way as unwarranted, feeling that it wasn’t me who had done something great. However, in certain situations where I was either ignored partially or completely or where someone else got appreciated for something that I felt I also had / possessed, I felt helpless or jealous, or even unappreciated. I caught these moments as connected with my need for appreciation and started to evolve.
I have shared in one of my earlier posts, how delusional I had become due to my intense spiritual practices and I had come to believe that I knew and understood almost everything. Thus, confronted with my own compulsive need for appreciation, I tried to run, hide and justify it in every possible manner. When I couldn’t do this anymore, I now had to accept and examine whether it was required in my life or not. Thus, I now meditated on this and my years of spiritual practices suddenly proved their worth. I could clearly and instantly see the entire structures of compulsiveness, how it had impacted my entire Life, how I was Driven and Passionate about things by the underlying Need for Appreciation. This suddenly became very interesting for me and thus started a process of shedding my emotional compulsiveness. I did not rationalise or intellectualise. I did not consider any emotion to be right or wrong. I just examined these with me as a subject and emotions as an object. My sight over time cleared.
With a clear sight, I looked around and noticed people’s compulsions to seek appreciation from others. There were elaborately designed systems in organisations and society and even in families that used this weakness of compulsive humans.
When one of the employees receives a reward, many others feel left out. Some feel jealous while some are inspired to do better. The one who receives the reward feels validated and now has generated a greater need to do better and get appreciated. In another example, when one of the siblings receives a Pen from the parent for achieving a certain grade, the other siblings are supposed to get inspired and motivated to work hard to become eligible for that Pen. There is instant comparison in such a situation that then leads to conflicts within the siblings. The one who got the appreciation from the parent wants it more while the one who did not get it will either try to get by doing better or will try to bring the other one down. Both will function out of their compulsive need for appreciation. There are countless such situations where this compulsive need for appreciation is the cause of great misery. Remember this is an inward seeking, very subtle and quiet.
When someone receives applause or appreciation or a reward in front of a big gathering, those who witness it go through many emotions that may include jealousy, competitiveness, arrogance, appreciation, disdain, doubt, inspiration among many. On close examination, these emotions emerge mainly because of Low or poor Self Worth. When one does not value self, then it seeks either validation or wants to become someone else. Even when it becomes someone else, it still needs constant validation and appreciation.
Let us examine how a life can be with or without the need for appreciation.
I want to be healthy to show to others or to enjoy the experience of good health where carrying this body is not a matter of pain, but a matter of joy?
I want to gather intelligence to come first amongst all or to be able to understand and explore Life and all its mysteries?
I want to be rich to prove to all my peers and family of my wealth and powers or to lead a life where money is not a constraint to explore all possibilities that life offers?
I want people to be around me so I feel appreciated or to engage with them and understand Life better?
Those who remain driven by the compulsions of their emotions, get everything but rarely get anywhere. They are on a constant compulsive trip for appreciation and in the process never Self Actualise. Rising above the compulsive needs is a vital step towards Self Actualisation.
Once, Self Actualised, we begin to understand and explore Life in its entirety.
Examine your Need for Appreciation and overcome its compulsions. This is my wish for you all.
Sameer Kamboj
🌹 🌹 🌹


  1. Post comment

    I need one clarification as you say we need to over come this need for approval or appreciation. If this is not there then all the advancement of humans would have come to stop. This is the very need which makes you go on. In a way that you at times one out perform yourself.
    In our mythology Hanuman Ji is a symbol of this very need. And it is potrayed that with just a few words of appreciation, he did all the rights things he was supposed to.
    Pl advice. 🙏🙏🙏

    1. Post comment

      What I am referring to is the Compulsive need. It is the compulsion that is a problem. Even Hanuman had to overcome this compulsion and he went into total surrender. Did he then do excellent things or not? In fact millions worship Him even today, but he did what was needed to be done without a need.
      Keep doing the right things to get the rights results. But when we do right things to seek appreciation, it can be an issue. Let appreciation come, and receive it with humility and grace.
      Hope this clarifies.

  2. Post comment

    It is a nice message to understand our life and mistakes we make.
    Appreciation gives encouragement but working for appreciation put us in difficult situations.

  3. No More Compulsion – Anaavaran – Sameer Kamboj

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